To Find My Way Back Home

July 24, 2016


I have tried to write my latest blog for two months now. So many times I had started and stopped, changed direction, asked for guidance, and sidelined a bunch of ideas. Nothing seemed to flow. Words escaped me. Walls replaced my flowing thoughts. I had glimpses of what I thought was finally a break through, only to be left stranded mid-sentence and left with confusion. I thought I knew what I wanted to express. Boy, did my guides have other plans for me.

Each month I sit and check in with my guides and reflect on the energies that are flowing at the time. I find a thread that I want to follow and the words and messages simply flow. It is a process that I find comforting as I am navigating my spiritual waters right along with you. I take comfort knowing that I am not alone as we delve into our shadow selves together. It is the healing we share that soothes us as we allow the tender release of trauma, heartache, shame, and sorrow that leaves us feeling vulnerable yet strong in our solidarity. But why was it so difficult to write lately?

The last few months have brought up a lot of thoughts, memories, thought patterns, and shadows that I had not been ready to look at. There were different triggers in the news, social media, and in passing conversations. Some days felt unbearable. Other days, I felt numb and I didn’t understand why. There was a lot of deep breathing, journaling, meditating, and the overpowering need for ‘radio silence’ from the news, friends, and some family. Although I have had many personal breakthroughs over the last few months, there were many more days of needing to soothe myself and my sensitive energies. I felt incredibly raw and exposed. It was because of all of this, I knew I was ready. For the first time I was ready to open very old wounds, gaze into the dark void, and embrace what was inside of me. I needed to look at all of it. There was a calling to heal at a deeper level. It was time. For those reasons, and many others, I am grateful.

With my inner circle offering love and support, days of quiet thoughts and meditation, tears from feeling deep emotions and memories, I found that I needed to reconnect to the beauty and grace that flows all around me. I needed to get out into nature. I needed the gentle flow of energy from the trees, the whispers of the winds, the soothing flow of rivers, and the sun warming my heart as I ventured into my shadow. They say that witches retreat into the woods to heal. I can wholeheartedly agree with that statement. With my husband eager to set off on a road trip with me, we found different places to explore that were off the beaten path. I was able to find a little trail near a river, an overlook, or at a waterfall and connect with the healing energies of Gaia. Different Goddesses and Gods would come forward to help me understand who I am at my core. I uncovered why I experienced what I did in this lifetime, even if it was cruel. In the woods I would meditate, release, cry, push my boundaries and conquer fears. I found parts of my soul I thought never existed. I loved that I felt whole and clean when I left the woods to journey back home. These excursions changed me in so many ways. I let go of the past traumas. I forgave those who had a hand in them, including myself. I sent unconditional love and healing to all involved. Yet, there was something else I didn’t quite get. There was more that I needed to understand.

It wasn’t until last week over dinner with two very special people, the puzzle pieces I couldn’t find on my own finally emerged. We were talking and I was explaining what I was going through. Then, quietly they gave me my answer, “You need to accept the Divine Masculine in you.” Their words offered in love and truth made my heart stop, my stomach clench, and my throat tighten. That was it. That was the dark deep secret that I kept separated from me. That was the answer that eluded me. That was what I was afraid of. That was a fear that crept into my soul when I was a child and lingered within my shadows to this day. It was a fear that gripped me as I was frozen in panic and fear when a shadow crept across my bedroom wall as a child. I did not enjoy being around loud, demanding, and dominant men. They sacred me. They paralyzed me. They took my breath away. I would freeze and retreat on the inside giving myself up as I surrendered my voice. Although I have worked long and hard on my sexual traumas, I still shy away from dominant and aggressive people. Now it is time to welcome the masculine side of me as well as the masculine of everyone. “It’s not just healing for the greater good, it is healing for you.” Once again, my beautiful inner circle spoke with gentleness, love, and care, offering guidance and reassurance. It is now time for acceptance and balance.

So, once again I took to the quiet moments. I meditated. I reflected. I released. I began the process of healing. I looked into the mirror and saw the dark scars of my past and the thought patterns they created. I decided that I no longer wanted to be in fear of myself. I am not a prisoner of my experiences. I am who I am because I lived through them. I survived. I chose to take myself and my power back as I let them go. I welcomed the answers and messages the beautiful energies gently offered me. Though the love and support I have all around me, I embraced who I am, scars and all. For the first time in what feels like lifetimes, I finally exhaled. I can now begin to welcome my masculine side and not want to retreat and hide.

The last few months have been such a gift in so many ways. I know that it may sound odd at first, especially with what I was healing and the added inability to write. That is an interesting lesson on its own. I have worked on very deep levels to heal my heart and soul. I have felt extreme highs and lows. I have moved through darkness to face the memories of perceived monsters. I sifted through illusions to find my pearls of truth. I have embraced an entire half of me that I severed out of panic, confusion, anger, and fear. I trusted this winding road and found my way back to my heart, learning so many valuable lessons along the way… There is beauty in darkness. Not all horrific memories have to end tragically. No matter how many years end up passing by, we have the power to change the outcome by reclaiming who we are at our core. We will grow from the experiences if we choose to do so. Not all men are seeking dominance and control. I am one of the lucky ones to have such a gentle man willing to love me for me. He willingly raises me up to be the best I can be. Yes, we have immense power if we choose to use it for the highest and best good.

The road is never easy. If it was, how could we possibly grow? If we try to force something, like a lesson, a friendship, a blog, we are forcing our energy onto something that is just not ready yet or is not meant to be. I wasn’t comfortable with what I was writing because I didn’t know what I was trying to say. I had a block because there was something waiting for me, something ready to be discovered. It took time to understand because it was an important part of me. I needed to learn and heal from it from before I was able to let it go. Only when I was able to learn, accept, heal, and release it, I found my voice and my heart. Once again and began to write.

I offer this to you… Take your time. Be gentle with your heart. Listen to what it has to say. We all have experiences that shake us to our core. These experiences can change how we view the world and all of those in it. That is a part of our human experience. However, if we choose to delve into our depths, we must also be willing to look in our mirror and look to the lesson the experience has to offer. Once we uncover what we were meant to learn, we can let go of what haunts us. It is where we regain ourselves and find our balance. It is where we embrace our freedom. It is how we heal our heart and soul. It is how we find our way back home.

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